Faster, Faster, Don't Stop Now

Dear NASCAR,

I hate you.

No love,
Heather

***

Dear NASCAR,

No, really, I don't think you understood my last note. I really, really hate you. Like, not only do I not want to have sex with you ever again, but I'm totally telling everyone that you have crabs and sleep with sluts.

No love,
Heather

***

Dear NASCAR,

Maybe you didn't quite understand from my last note. I never want to see you again. You've hurt me for the last time. You cheated on me with a Californian. A crybaby Californian at that. And no, I'm not talking about Jeff Gordon. Or Jimmie Johnson. And don't even mention Casey Mears. He had every reason to cry. No, I'm not talking about Harvick either, or Allmendinger or...

You know, never mind. I don't know why I'm wasting my breath. You love California more than you love me.

No love,
Heather

***

Dear NASCAR,

I hate you kind of this morning for sure and never want to see you again and all a night's (abbreviated) sleep has taught me is...well, yeah, I'll be watching at one.

But you owe me, you bastard.

Grouchily yours,
Heather

***

Dear NASCAR,

In all seriousness, 2-fucking-a.m.? You were going to inflict a 2 a.m. race time on those drivers? Let's mention jet lag. Let's mention the fact that their schedules are already fucked up. Let's mention the part where most of them have had to wait around all day for something to happen. Let's mention that some of them are tired from fucking Kasey Kahne. Oh, wait, that's just Ellyut. For god's sake! Have pity on all the fans who already left the freaking track because they're exhausted and wet. Have pity on all the fans at home who just want to sleep for a bit. Wait a day and freaking run the entire race, okay?

Oh, and you owe Casey Mears an apology. And Denny Hamlin. And the collateral damage (Junior, Hornish, Sorenson) from that Mears wreck. Really, anyone who slid because of the weeping track.

Very tiredly yours,
Heather

Another picspam for the viewing pleasure.

It's Teammate Time!

( A plethora of the boys be found under here. )

Hi, Danica Patrick's father, let's teach NASCAR fans how to resent you (or the guy writing the article at Sports Illustrated - I'm not sure which).

Danica in NASCAR?

First off, Danica herself has expressed reluctance about going to NASCAR any time soon. This really feels like her dad trying to wrangle a sweet deal for her in IRL or market here as opposed to letting her race what she wants to race. And really, for a woman who's blazing trails in a sport, you really don't need a man getting in the way of your dream and muddying the waters, especially when you're 24. (Dear Danica - seriously, do what you want to do. Don't buy into hype or what's most popular. Follow your passion. I'm with you in recognizing the difference.)

The fiery Colombian (Juan Pablo Montoya) won the Indy 500 in 2000 and CART championship in 1999 driving for Ganassi but has never driven in a NASCAR event. While Patrick does not have Montoya's racing credentials, she would have no less marketing potential for a series seeking to expand its popularity.

The difference is, NASCAR is looking to increase it's popularity...when it's the number two sport in the country. The only thing we can pass is football (like that will happen). Internationally, yes, it would be nice to grow an audience, but the only countries that NASCAR is looking at are Mexico and Canada for possible growth. Hauling the cars across the ocean is too daunting and expensive.

Also, the racing credentials are HUGE. Montoya is a proven winner switching genres...to Gannassi Racing, which has open wheel and NASCAR, but is NOT a big contender in NASCAR right now. Casey Mears' 42 is the one doing best, but his equipment isn't top notch like the big dogs. Plus, you're putting an F1 racer in with two guys that are rookies right now. Reed Sorensen, by default of points, will become the senior driver on the team. It was weird enough when Casey was senior driver, now Reed? And Danica's dad thinks she can get a better ride than Montoya? For marketability she might land a decent ride, but the fact is, she doesn't have a lot of time under her belt. Montoya is a much safer bet and has tested NASCAR.

In fact, it's not like coming in from another series that's "better" (they're so different as to be impossible to compare - the drivers would tell you that first thing) is a guarantee of success. The differences are astounding. Tony Stewart, Robby Gordon, Casey Mears, John Andretti...these guys all have Indy or Champ backgrounds (heck, Robby will race anything with wheels), but it was not a direct indicator of how they'd do in Cup.

Plus the schedule is very daunting. Danica herself has expressed concern of the 36 race schedule because of how grueling it is. It's not just the racing, but the sponsor requirements, public appearances and fan interaction. Compared to the other types of racing, NASCAR is insane for the amount of time the driver spends in the public eye, interacting with the fans.

Since her fourth place finish at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, the photogenic Patrick has remained the IRL's top attraction but the 24-year-old driver has yet to win a race.

Yes, because being photogenic is the only reason anyone pays attention to her. *stabs the writer*

Patrick said he does not believe his diminutive daughter would have any problem making the jump and given time and the right car could be competitive in the rough-and-tumble world of stock car racing.

Because really, the itty bitty tiny woman can't handle the big ole redneck men. Never mind that she's had to fight to be in motorsports at all and was the first woman to lead the Indiannapolis 500, a feat in and of itself. Yeah, she's no Janet Guthrie (there hasn't been a woman since to compare with Janet), but honestly? I think there's a good chance she'd outlast several of hte drivers in a fight.

"I don't think she'd have a problem," said Patrick. "You could give her six months or a year in a car and do some testing and learning. She understands the basics. Strength-wise, it's probably easier to drive one of these because they have power steering where we (in the IRL) don't right now."

Um, because a 1550 pound Indy car that sits lower to the ground compares in drivability to a stock car sitting at normal car height that weighs 3400 pounds. Dear Danica's dad, get your head out of your ass. In Indy car, the car has specs and weighs what it weighs. The lighter the driver, the more advantage they have. In NASCAR, the car plus driver have to weigh 3400 pounds. No matter how light Danica is, the builders have to factor that in and come to one weight limit. Therefore, if the power steering goes, you're screwed. Just ask Kurt Busch.

The dominant motor sport series in the U.S., NASCAR has been searching for new marketing opportunities and way to grow the sport.

Yes, we have. It's called New York City, Washington state and minorities. Juan Pablo Montoya is more of a draw from the standpoint of being Hispanic than the fact that he was an F1 driver ("was" being the operative word since he was let go from his team today). NASCAR has been trying to grow the number of minorities in the sport. The big concern is not to shoot any of the drivers in the foot by bringing someone in to fill the "minority quotient" who isn't prepared. The face of NASCAR is the drivers, but it's not fair to any new driver to get behind the wheel when they're not ready. It's about doing their best so that the drivers are competitive and race is secondary. And....I just got sidetracked there.

(Oh, dear Montoya...you've already got me paying attention since you adore Shakira. Woohoo! Be cute and charming and work hard and you may get a fan out of me.)

Montoya's arrival is sure to increase interest among the large American Latin community as well as generate interest among motor racing mad South America.

See? Like I said.

Patrick would also likely open up new doors and revenue streams pulling in the woman viewers.

But really, with me now...what? Dear writer, do your research on the number of female NASCAR fans. 42% of the fans are female. Do you think we show up for the cars exclusively? Come on. I like things that go fast and the vrooming...but I could sit in the Wal-Mart parking lot and see that. A big part of the draw is the guys. So let's get real, a few women are going to be drawn in by Danica, but she's also going to be a bigger draw for the men.