(no subject)

A Hunting We Will Go

Can I go hunting? Pull out a gun and go hunting? I want to hunt the Clueless Suburban Mommy. It is an interesting creature, completely lacking in common sense and relatively easy to find, so can I please cull the population of CSM's?

(See? A sign of why they must die - they share an abbreviation with the greatest evil of all, Cigarette Smoking Man!)

The Clueless Suburban Mommy is characterized by a complete lack of common sense, the desire to do things on her own schedule, the rest of the world be damned, and an amazing knack for coordinating her daily shopping/eating activities with the one point in time that will most hinder working folk.

I have nothing against being a mom. I have nothing against being a stay at home mom. I have nothing against moms as consumers and bolstering our economy by taking their kids to McDonald's or Target (where the kiddies will eat lots of junk food and get hyped up on sugar - ah, the good old days - or prod mom for that really cool toy that they don't need but it's more money spent, more employees needed, etc.).

I have a lot against the clueless ones that choose to go to Target at just the right moment and do $150 worth of shopping and time it just right so that they're checking out between 12:00 and 1:00 on a weekday. They sit there in line (where inevitably they cut you off in the race for the checkout with the shortest line - why yes, I have been body checked by a soccer mom) with one or two kids, take their time putting things on the conveyor belt, decide at the last second they *don't* want the item that was scanned first, realize they forgot to get a magazine, fight with Suzy about whether or not she can have the chocolate bar, and then, after several grumbles and glares from the business folk standing in line behind them, they manage to get all their bags loaded up, Suzy and the baby corralled, and head out the door (pushing their cart in front of three harried workers in the process).

I also have a lot against them (the clueless ones) when they go to a fast food joint at 12:15 on a weekday, get in the drive-thru line and then proceed (with what I think I counted as 6) heads bobbing in the back seat, piping in with "No pickles on mine" or "I want extra cheese on my burger, but no burger" or "But I didn't want that". $30.12 later the mommy is getting lunch for 7, all of it special made to each child's specifications, with a line of cars with murderous workers behind the wheel trailing behind. Oh, and don't forget that since it's OBVIOUS she ordered special items, she has to check and make sure they're all correct!

Seriously, CSM's, word of advice - go to the fast food joint first. Get them their food (which you dine in on, not through the drive-thru) so they're happy and not hungry and cranky, all between 11:30 and 12:00, then let them pee, go to Target, shop to your heart's content, and feel free to check out when it's 1:00 or later. That way you skip the working crowd at both locations, actually let the kids digest food properly, and burn off their sugar high by terrorizing the workers at Target (instead of you at home - hey, I'm going for a deal here). And you don't have to worry about getting beaten down by a crazy secretary just because you had to step out of line to find that lip liner.

(no subject)

Work is quiet. Too quiet. There are three people here.

I am fighting the urge to power up the paging system and blast Little Richard's version of "I Feel Pretty" (lovingly provided by deeablo) for maximum shock value.